Joeyisms

Serious

The question isn’t “What have I gone through?” or “How much have I gone through?” or “What I am currently going through?” The question is “Am I trusting God to help me over come my circumstances?”

God has never asked anyone to do or not do anything. He has always commanded them to do or not do. Jesus is God. He doesn’t ask sinners to stop sinning. He commands sinners to stop sinning.

It’s only when someone is doing something stupid and self-satisfying that they demand you either be supportive or mind your own business. They deny that what they did will ever effect anyone around them.

Definitely Not Serious

How much pork could a pork chop chop if a pork chop could chop pork?

On trying to save money on the cheaper brands of sodas and junk foods: “I want to have a heart attack, but I want to make sure I have some spare change in case there are vending machines on the other side.”

I don’t know about you, but I find those shows about ghosts hilarious. You got these “paranormal experts” or whatever talking to the wind whistling through a crack in the attic or something, “Hello? What’s your name? Why are you here?” “Looks like our ghost is shy, Tom.” Yeah, man, all ghost are shy. I can’t believe these people get paid to talk to air and make TV shows that prove nothing. Idiots. If I was a ghost, I wouldn’t be hiding out. I’d scare the crap out of people 24/7. Some dude would be on the John at his house, reading his new edition of Motor Trend. Then here I’d come out of nowhere: “BOOGAH! BOOGAH! BOOGAH!” He’d be so glad he was already on the commode. But you can scare the crap out of someone just as easily by not refilling the TP dispenser and not keeping extra TP rolls under the bathroom sink.

If you are with someone and they have and accident in their pants, they will say something like, “I just went to the bathroom in my pants.” And your first thought is, “WOW! You have a bathroom in your pants! I wish I had a bathroom in my pants! Life would be so much easier!”

When I went into the hospital a couple weekends ago, the paramedics and nurses failed so many attempts to start an IV that they ran out of places in my forearms and hands to put one. A nurse ended up putting a bigger IV in my biceps. The nurse covered my whole arm with plastic, and blood was going everywhere. I was also seeing things from the medicine they were giving me, so I thought I saw a Catholic Priest. He was standing next to me reading a Bible. I thought, “Why is he here? I’m a Southern Baptist.”

So, I often have to pee so bad it’s not even funny. What’s even unfunnier is when I get to the potty and I think everything is out, but when I go to wash my hands, I can feel some left behind. It’s not in my bladder, but it’s not outside of my body. And no matter how hard I try to get it out, it won’t budge. It kinda reminds me of when you have a visitor over, and when they’re finally ready to leave, they stand in your stinkin’ doorway for ten minutes talking about absolutely nothing and letting the bugs in. Next time someone does that, I’m gonna say: “Hey! Go or stay! Stop lingering like a stuck pee!”

Most of you seem to only enjoy my bathroom jokes. You all have your minds in the potty.

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