That’s the Fiery Pits

In the summer of 2004, my friend Glenn bought some clippers and trimmed his hair pretty close, too close for his wife Amy’s taste. I would think that since Amy is the woman in that marriage, that she has her rights, and she would have her say-so about what her husband does to his head. I guess times are a-changin’, but what a man does to his head is still his business. I would call Glenn “Uncle Fester,” which didn’t quite fit, because he isn’t chubby. I also liked to rub his head with my hand and say, “I just got a sudden urge to play tennis.”

Okay, now how many guys out there find armpit hair uncomfortable? I mean, it eats up your deodorant, and especially in the summertime, you’ve got sticky, sweaty armpits staining up your shirts. And when you have a chance to hang out with your shirt off, the sweat just drips off of your armpit hairs like melting, brown icicles, doesn’t it? Or is it just me?

So one hot Sunday in July of that summer, I decided that enough was enough. As I was thinking of a way to remove the hair under my armpits without receiving a nomination for a Darwin Award (hey, it can happen to anyone), I thought of Glenn and asked myself, “What would Glenn do?” I grabbed my trusty beard & mustache trimmer and trimmed all of the hair from my armpits.

Now I had armpit hair that was three-millimeters long, and some slight skin irritation, which formed an iron maiden in my armpits. I attempted to remedy this by using my shaver to shave my pits smooth.

My armpits were now smooth, but there’s a thing called “friction.” Friction is helpful in how it keeps us from slipping when we walk on the concrete, or walk across the carpet in your socks and shock the cat with your finger. Friction is harmful when it comes to shaving any part of your body, because it causes skin irritation. I now had “Dante’s inferno” wedged in my armpits. I tried to put out the fire by applying body lotion to them.

Bad Idea. Now I had the last pages of the Book of Revelation flying out of my armpits.

After the fire simmered down a day-and-a-half later, I shaved my armpits smooth with no problems, and I’ve been doing it ever since.

You may be furrowing your eyebrows, shaking your head, and thinking to yourself, “What a dumb idea.” Well. I could shave using shaving foam and a razor, but my eyesight isn’t good. I want to get rid of my armpit hair, not my armpits.

You know what they say, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

Or shock one.

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